Recently I've realized that I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that I have a good mother-daughter relationship with Sarah. I know that it stems from the fact that I don't have a great relationship with my mom and dad and it is the one thing, more than anything else, that I want to change with my own family. But what that really means is that I am constantly second-guessing myself and have insane amounts of mommy guilt when it comes to my daughter.
I know that our relationship will never be perfect. I know that she will "hate" me for some horrible thing I do (ground her, not allow her to date someone, not allow her to go to a party, etc.) but I hope that these will be fleeting thoughts and feelings and that she will always know she can come to me about anything and I will be there for her. And I want her to always know that I love her no matter what, because it is the one thing that I don't have with my own parents.
But then you get to days like today... it's been a rough week. She was sent home from school because she was sick with what appeared to be a case of indigestion when it was all done. So then I had both kids at home with me on Monday and Tuesday which was tiring, to say the least. I had to get her out of school early on Wednesday because it was Halloween so we needed to get home to trick-or-treat. And now my husband has informed me that I'll have both kids all day Sunday because he has to go into work. Awesome.
While Luke is starting to sleep better at night and going longer before needing to eat, the issue is that now he needs to eat when it's my turn to feed him. So I'm up every night feeding him and then I can't get back to sleep. So I'm becoming more and more sleep deprived with each passing day.
At the same time, my daughter hasn't been sleeping as well, ostensibly due to her molars coming in. Or she's just having bad dreams... we really have no idea. What I do know is that she wakes up screaming for mommy in the middle of the night. And that kills me. The few times I have gone in to check on her it's clear that she's dreaming because while I can easily calm her, her eyes are shut, and she's basically a zombie that I have to move around/tuck back in. So then I worry that I could create a night waking habit if I keep going into her. So then I don't go in and I feel bad, but she eventually falls back asleep after screaming for mommy several times. Ugh. This morning she woke up screaming for me and when daddy went in to get her dressed and ready for school she wanted none of it. That resulted in her screaming so much that she woke up her brother (after I had just spent the previous half hour getting him back to sleep!). Needless to say, mommy wasn't happy when she came in Sarah's room and I yelled at her and told her to stop crying. Then I left the room.
Of course the minute I got back to my room the mommy guilt hit hard and fast. I just yelled at my daughter because she wanted to see me this morning. Now, on the one hand, she needs to be a-okay with mommy or daddy getting her dressed and ready in the morning so I don't want to create a situation where she'll only work with me because that's no good. But at the same point, did I go too far and did I just punish my daughter because she wanted to spend time with me? I don't know the answer. I just know that I felt like shit. Normally she comes into our room after she's done getting dressed to give me a hug and kiss before she leaves for school, but daddy just took her straight downstairs. So I ended up following them because I couldn't take the horrible feelings of guilt anymore and gave her a big hug. She wouldn't even look at me and obviously realized she had been bad and wouldn't hold her head up. Of course I then felt even worse. Now I just sit here today hoping that she has since forgotten the entire scene and will see me when I pick her up at school today and run to me with a smile on her face yelling "Mommy! Mommy!" like she has recently. I hope so. Then I'll know that everything is better again. Until then, I sit here and think about it more and more and pray I didn't just put another nail in the coffin of what will one day be our relationship.
Thursday, November 01, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Things do get better in week 6
So all of the research (and books) say that life with a baby gets better in week 6 and they are right. I don't remember much with Sarah because she was so colicky, but now that I have a "normal" baby I totally see it. And yeah, life is a lot better in week 6. Now, this likely has to also do with the fact that we made Luke cry-it-out when we put him to bed on Sunday night and he dropped a night feeding and has only had 2 feedings a night since then. It's amazing what waking up 2 times a night vs. 3 times a night can do for you.
Now, for everyone out there (who isn't reading this blog) who thinks I'm a horribly insensitive person to do this, please understand that we still respond to him when he cries at night to be fed. And if he had cried and woken up 3 times, we still would have fed him 3 times. We actually didn't think he'd drop a feeding like that and we're not sure if that was coincidence or not. We're not crying it out in order to get him to sleep through the entire night at this point; we know that isn't going to happen. But he needs to start learning to fall asleep on his own. And this was the time when night sleep was supposed to begin consolidating, which we're starting to see. Thank God. Interestingly, at the same time that his night sleep began to consolidate, his naps are all over the place. Well, I should say that his morning nap is all over the place. I used to reliably get a good 1 hour nap if I put him down around 8:45. Now, it doesn't seem to matter when I put him down, that morning nap just sucks. On the other hand, his afternoon nap continues to be as strong as ever. I can't say I'm complaining too much because that afternoon nap is the one I care about more. And he seems to go down for that nap with relative ease, which is awesome. I just find it funny because the morning nap is supposed to develop first and strongest in babies this age (and likely should be getting pretty good at the 3 month mark, which is only a few weeks away) and yet it's the crappy nap here. The one that is supposed to develop at 5 months is good to go. So weird. But it is what it is.
Luke also started returning my smiles this week... certainly not all the time, but he is really cracking some great smiles, which is awesome. Sarah definitely took longer to smile at me, so it's a nice change. Overall, he's just an easier baby. Maybe it's because I know what I'm doing... maybe he really is easier. I don't know. Now if only he would drop another night feeding...
On the other front, being at home while life moves on at work is extremely difficult. Decisions are being made, things are progressing, and I just have to sit back and watch it happen. I suck at doing that, in case you were wondering. This is why, one day, when I retire I just am saying goodbye, walking out, and not looking back. I don't want to know, I don't care. But when decisions are being made that affect me, that's when I care. So let's just say that many e-mails have been sent in the past day and I've been crying and upset and it just sucks. This latest battle appears to be over, but I'm sure it won't be the last one. And then I just get pissed that I'm supposed to be on leave. I'm not even supposed to be doing anything relating to this, and yet here I am, checking and responding to e-mails frantically, because if I don't say something I will get steamrolled. Awesome. So all in all, not the greatest day for me. But there's really not much I can say or do right now. At least the annoying part is all from work and not Luke. I suppose that's an improvement (and probably the way it's supposed to be) but it still isn't fun.
Now, for everyone out there (who isn't reading this blog) who thinks I'm a horribly insensitive person to do this, please understand that we still respond to him when he cries at night to be fed. And if he had cried and woken up 3 times, we still would have fed him 3 times. We actually didn't think he'd drop a feeding like that and we're not sure if that was coincidence or not. We're not crying it out in order to get him to sleep through the entire night at this point; we know that isn't going to happen. But he needs to start learning to fall asleep on his own. And this was the time when night sleep was supposed to begin consolidating, which we're starting to see. Thank God. Interestingly, at the same time that his night sleep began to consolidate, his naps are all over the place. Well, I should say that his morning nap is all over the place. I used to reliably get a good 1 hour nap if I put him down around 8:45. Now, it doesn't seem to matter when I put him down, that morning nap just sucks. On the other hand, his afternoon nap continues to be as strong as ever. I can't say I'm complaining too much because that afternoon nap is the one I care about more. And he seems to go down for that nap with relative ease, which is awesome. I just find it funny because the morning nap is supposed to develop first and strongest in babies this age (and likely should be getting pretty good at the 3 month mark, which is only a few weeks away) and yet it's the crappy nap here. The one that is supposed to develop at 5 months is good to go. So weird. But it is what it is.
Luke also started returning my smiles this week... certainly not all the time, but he is really cracking some great smiles, which is awesome. Sarah definitely took longer to smile at me, so it's a nice change. Overall, he's just an easier baby. Maybe it's because I know what I'm doing... maybe he really is easier. I don't know. Now if only he would drop another night feeding...
On the other front, being at home while life moves on at work is extremely difficult. Decisions are being made, things are progressing, and I just have to sit back and watch it happen. I suck at doing that, in case you were wondering. This is why, one day, when I retire I just am saying goodbye, walking out, and not looking back. I don't want to know, I don't care. But when decisions are being made that affect me, that's when I care. So let's just say that many e-mails have been sent in the past day and I've been crying and upset and it just sucks. This latest battle appears to be over, but I'm sure it won't be the last one. And then I just get pissed that I'm supposed to be on leave. I'm not even supposed to be doing anything relating to this, and yet here I am, checking and responding to e-mails frantically, because if I don't say something I will get steamrolled. Awesome. So all in all, not the greatest day for me. But there's really not much I can say or do right now. At least the annoying part is all from work and not Luke. I suppose that's an improvement (and probably the way it's supposed to be) but it still isn't fun.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Sleep training
Now God knows that this is a touchy subject amongst the parenting crowd, but I believe in sleep training a kid. And I believe in starting early. I hear all these stories from parents whose kids didn't sleep through the night until they were 1, 2, 3 years old and I think they are all insane. I'm not willing to give up that much of my life to my kid. Plus... how are you ever going to get baby-sitters? I guess you just never leave your kid?? Sorry... that's just not me.
So my sleep training "Bible" is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I am forever indebted to my friend, John, who originally told me about this book. Honestly, if he hadn't told me about it I probably never would have done it or thought it possible (since most of the posts online are from stay-at-home moms who don't agree with this) and I'd probably still have a kid who is a crappy sleeper (and I definitely wouldn't have a second kid if that was the case!). This book is great because it actually has real cited research and I think it's a good middle of the ground book. He doesn't overly promote one method over another. If you want to co-sleep, do it, if you want your kid in a crib, do it. Do whatever works for your family so that you are all well rested. It's so true.
Anyway, the big push in this book is that you have to work to get day sleep organized and then night sleep will consolidate following that. Oh... and kids need to go to bed much earlier than most parents put them to bed. Sarah has been sleeping from 7-7 since she was 4 months old and we cut out all night feedings at 5 months (and, honestly, we could have done it sooner but we were too stupid to realize she didn't need to eat, she just got used to the wake-up). I know a lot of parents (including my own) think that 7pm is too early for bedtime but I completely disagree. If it was too early then she wouldn't fall asleep and stay asleep until the next morning. And when my kid wakes up in the morning, she is happy, reading her books, chatting to her animals, etc. Much better than a screaming kid. And maybe Mark and I are just selfish, but we LOVE having that time in the evening to ourselves to either enjoy a later dinner, watch TV in peace, get some extra work done (okay, no one really likes working at night.. but at least we have the option if we need to get things done!), etc. And God knows that it's much easier to find a babysitter when you tell them they just have to get your kid in bed at 7pm and then they are good to go and basically just making sure your house doesn't burn down.
So anyway... this week I started making the push for daytime nap training for Luke. It's still very early and I'm not expecting major results yet. The book states that night sleep won't really consolidate until he is 6 weeks old. But if we can get the day routine going then that works for me. It's been 3 days now and I'd say we've had some good success. Basically, what it means at this point is that I make sure that he is back down to sleep within 2 hours of waking up. Sometimes it's shorter, sometimes longer. Just depends on how he is doing. The other big thing is that the sleep needs to be motionless sleep in a quiet place. So he needs to be in a crib or pack and play and not a bouncy chair, car seat in a moving car, swing, etc. The theory being that your most restorative sleep is when you are motionless. So that is what we have been doing. Now, when they are 6 weeks old, you can put your kid to sleep drowsy but awake to teach them to soothe themselves to sleep so that, eventually, they don't need help sleeping. Right now, at 3 weeks, I still need to help soothe Luke to sleep and won't let him just cry it out. But the other great thing about this technique is that if you watch your child's drowsy signs then you can potentially put him/her to sleep with minimal soothing and if you hit it at the right time then there will be little to no crying. So you won't even need to "cry it out." Now, please note that I am totally in favor of crying it out and I don't think it will do any permanent harm to your child. We letter Sarah cry and she is still her mommy and daddy's girl and has no memory of those times at all. With Sarah, we couldn't do the real "extinction" and had to do "graduated extinction" because we learned that she would just keep crying and needed a bit of reassurance. So we "Ferberized" her and it was great. In a week she was sleeping through the night and we were all happier. Since I have more confidence in my abilities to sleep train this time around, I'm starting Luke a bit earlier (plus, Sarah was colicky and needed to be switched to soy formula so that took a month to figure out and I didn't even think to start sleep training until she was 6 or 7 weeks old already). My hope is that I can get Luke used to soothing himself to sleep during nap times (and if a small amount of crying is necessary after 6 weeks, he can do that when it's just him and me and we don't interrupt Sarah's night sleep as much). Shockingly, I am already seeing some good results this week and today he went down for 2 naps with no intervention from me whatsoever! I put him in his crib drowsy but awake and he passed out on his own with little to no fussing and definitely no crying. So I'm hopeful that this is a good start and we can progress from here. I'm also trying to not have Luke attached to a pacifier the way Sarah was... although I'm not as concerned if that happens. You can always take a pacifier away with a couple nights of protest crying. But I won't let him become attached to sucking his thumb, which is his default soothing mechanism right now. So we shall see.
And on that note, of course my thought that things were going great just backfired because he is now awake and crying even though he just ate a couple hours ago. Argh. The joys of parenting a newborn... you never know what you're getting from one day to the next. So downstairs I run to see what the scoop is.
Until next time...
So my sleep training "Bible" is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I am forever indebted to my friend, John, who originally told me about this book. Honestly, if he hadn't told me about it I probably never would have done it or thought it possible (since most of the posts online are from stay-at-home moms who don't agree with this) and I'd probably still have a kid who is a crappy sleeper (and I definitely wouldn't have a second kid if that was the case!). This book is great because it actually has real cited research and I think it's a good middle of the ground book. He doesn't overly promote one method over another. If you want to co-sleep, do it, if you want your kid in a crib, do it. Do whatever works for your family so that you are all well rested. It's so true.
Anyway, the big push in this book is that you have to work to get day sleep organized and then night sleep will consolidate following that. Oh... and kids need to go to bed much earlier than most parents put them to bed. Sarah has been sleeping from 7-7 since she was 4 months old and we cut out all night feedings at 5 months (and, honestly, we could have done it sooner but we were too stupid to realize she didn't need to eat, she just got used to the wake-up). I know a lot of parents (including my own) think that 7pm is too early for bedtime but I completely disagree. If it was too early then she wouldn't fall asleep and stay asleep until the next morning. And when my kid wakes up in the morning, she is happy, reading her books, chatting to her animals, etc. Much better than a screaming kid. And maybe Mark and I are just selfish, but we LOVE having that time in the evening to ourselves to either enjoy a later dinner, watch TV in peace, get some extra work done (okay, no one really likes working at night.. but at least we have the option if we need to get things done!), etc. And God knows that it's much easier to find a babysitter when you tell them they just have to get your kid in bed at 7pm and then they are good to go and basically just making sure your house doesn't burn down.
So anyway... this week I started making the push for daytime nap training for Luke. It's still very early and I'm not expecting major results yet. The book states that night sleep won't really consolidate until he is 6 weeks old. But if we can get the day routine going then that works for me. It's been 3 days now and I'd say we've had some good success. Basically, what it means at this point is that I make sure that he is back down to sleep within 2 hours of waking up. Sometimes it's shorter, sometimes longer. Just depends on how he is doing. The other big thing is that the sleep needs to be motionless sleep in a quiet place. So he needs to be in a crib or pack and play and not a bouncy chair, car seat in a moving car, swing, etc. The theory being that your most restorative sleep is when you are motionless. So that is what we have been doing. Now, when they are 6 weeks old, you can put your kid to sleep drowsy but awake to teach them to soothe themselves to sleep so that, eventually, they don't need help sleeping. Right now, at 3 weeks, I still need to help soothe Luke to sleep and won't let him just cry it out. But the other great thing about this technique is that if you watch your child's drowsy signs then you can potentially put him/her to sleep with minimal soothing and if you hit it at the right time then there will be little to no crying. So you won't even need to "cry it out." Now, please note that I am totally in favor of crying it out and I don't think it will do any permanent harm to your child. We letter Sarah cry and she is still her mommy and daddy's girl and has no memory of those times at all. With Sarah, we couldn't do the real "extinction" and had to do "graduated extinction" because we learned that she would just keep crying and needed a bit of reassurance. So we "Ferberized" her and it was great. In a week she was sleeping through the night and we were all happier. Since I have more confidence in my abilities to sleep train this time around, I'm starting Luke a bit earlier (plus, Sarah was colicky and needed to be switched to soy formula so that took a month to figure out and I didn't even think to start sleep training until she was 6 or 7 weeks old already). My hope is that I can get Luke used to soothing himself to sleep during nap times (and if a small amount of crying is necessary after 6 weeks, he can do that when it's just him and me and we don't interrupt Sarah's night sleep as much). Shockingly, I am already seeing some good results this week and today he went down for 2 naps with no intervention from me whatsoever! I put him in his crib drowsy but awake and he passed out on his own with little to no fussing and definitely no crying. So I'm hopeful that this is a good start and we can progress from here. I'm also trying to not have Luke attached to a pacifier the way Sarah was... although I'm not as concerned if that happens. You can always take a pacifier away with a couple nights of protest crying. But I won't let him become attached to sucking his thumb, which is his default soothing mechanism right now. So we shall see.
And on that note, of course my thought that things were going great just backfired because he is now awake and crying even though he just ate a couple hours ago. Argh. The joys of parenting a newborn... you never know what you're getting from one day to the next. So downstairs I run to see what the scoop is.
Until next time...
Monday, August 27, 2012
Party of 4
I figure that since my last post was about the end of being a family of 3 that I should start this one with the title of party of 4. Sorry for the delay in blogging, but at least this time around I had a legitimate excuse of caring for a newborn. It's been a crazy few weeks.
I'm not going to bore you with the details of the labor and delivery other than to say that Mark ended up getting quarantined off of labor/delivery and mother/baby because he had a case of hand, foot, and mouth disease. Therefore, my sister was able to be there for everything and Mark met his son for the first time when we got home 2 days later. That was crazy and I'm grateful that that time is over. My sister was awesome, but I missed my husband. And I especially missed getting to see Sarah. She also wasn't allowed on the ward since there was a chance she had been exposed to Mark. So all in all, it was a lonely stay in the hospital for me and I was even happier to be home than normal.
Sarah has been a great big sister so far. She loves to hold Luke, help with bottles, etc. (most of the time... sometimes she just wants to play which is fine with us). But in the morning and at night the first thing she wants to do is see Luke and I love that. She hates when he is crying so that has been interesting (and I am glad that I kept her in daycare because of that!). But overall, she has been amazing. Mark and I are realizing exactly how compassionate she is (she definitely didn't get that from me!) and it's amazing to see her grow in this way. But I do worry that she is losing sleep because of Luke's crazy schedule and I'm counting down the days until he starts sleeping longer through the night and can be sleep trained to make it entirely through the night.
And that leads me to life with Luke... first of all, boys are definitely harder than girls at the beginning. From dealing with the male anatomy at changing time (which is far more tricky than the female anatomy and a MUCH higher likelihood of getting hit with bodily fluids) to just dealing with life with a newborn again. It's rough. And it's definitely harder when you already have a kid at home because we are doing everything we can to preserve Sarah's schedule and routine which means trying to eliminate as much crying on Luke's part (at least where Sarah can hear it) as possible. So there have been some LONG nights. And I have found myself being far more resentful of the loss of night sleep this time around than I was last time. I think it's that I know how much work it was to get through this time period last time and now it's like deja vu (or Groundhog Day, as Mark calls it). I look at Sarah and see how far we've come in 2 years and know that it's worth it. But the fact that we are back at virtual day 1 again just is painful.
People keep asking me if I will have another since it's "no big deal" once you get to the third one. I am just like... no way, no how. I always knew that I only wanted 2 kids max anyway. But yeah, this reminder of life with a newborn definitely seals the deal. I never want to go through this again. And, that being said, Luke is actually not such a bad kid. Granted, I think that's more because Mark and I know what to do this time around so we are better at this. And God knows that Luke still throws us for loops (being wide awake at 5am this morning was NOT something I was particularly pleased about). He seems to be having way more growth spurts than Sarah did. I'm chalking that up to him being a boy and gaining weight faster. Thankfully, the worst of his spurts (and, therefore, sleeping) have happened on weekends when Mark is able to help. I'm insanely grateful for that part because if I had been dealing with that during the week this kid would likely be dead. That being said, I still have needed to just walk away from him at times because I couldn't handle it anymore. And I constantly worry that I'm coming down too hard on Sarah because I'm tired out from Luke. I feel like she has been saying "Sorry mommy daddy" more often than she ever used to and I can't figure out if that is just her developmental stage in that we are firmly entrenched in the terrible 2s or if I am punishing her more often than I would if it was just the 3 of us. I just remind myself that I have no memories of being 2 years old so I assume Sarah will also forget pretty easily. She has no memory of the nursery being her room. In her mind, it was always Luke's room. We have shown her pictures and she thinks the baby is always Luke... not her. So hopefully this stage will pass by and she'll have no memory of it either. But of course that gives me that much more incentive to get Luke sleep-trained ASAP before it does cause any damage to Sarah's routine or she does start remembering how differently she was treated.
So according to my child-rearing "Bible" - Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child - life with Luke is going to get progressively worse until we hit the 6 week mark. At that point, he'll start sleeping longer through the night. I have been looking back at Sarah's eating/sleeping schedule that I kept and I noticed that she definitely was sleeping longer stretches by then. But, again, my one concern is that Luke seems to be eating so much more than her so I wonder if that will delay when he can sleep through the night without food. I pray it doesn't. I will shove as much food in him as possible during the day if it helps him sleep through the night. This is the start of week 3 so I've got 3 weeks left after this, give or take. The positive is that next week is Labor Day so Mark (and Sarah) will be home on Monday with me and Mark is working from home on Wednesday. Then the following week Mark is also working from home one day. So I'm hopeful that the knowledge that someone else is going to be home with me will make things easier. Even if Mark can't always help me out (especially if he's working) it will be nice to have someone else here. And if I can get through those 2 weeks (plus this week) then I'm into week 6 and hopefully I'll be seeing some changes. I'm just praying that the night sleep lengthens the way it's supposed to. If we could get a 6 hour stretch that would be amazing... then that would only be one night waking which would make me feel better with Sarah in the house. And, let's be honest, I could use the sleep! So we'll see... but that is my hope and prayer. What are the odds I could get this kid sleep-trained by 8 weeks?? I've heard of families that make it happen. I am going to do my best and pray for God's blessing in that area. Somehow I have a feeling that my feelings toward Luke will grow exponentially once he starts sleeping through the night. Sad, but true.
Anyway, on that note, I'm off to eat something. Luke is actually getting a decent nap right now, but I suspect he'll be waking up soon. So I don't want to waste all of my "free" time online. After all, I did pay the bills, fill out the forms for his birth certificate, read the news online, and write this blog. But there is always another list of things to do, right? The life of a mom of a newborn...
I'm not going to bore you with the details of the labor and delivery other than to say that Mark ended up getting quarantined off of labor/delivery and mother/baby because he had a case of hand, foot, and mouth disease. Therefore, my sister was able to be there for everything and Mark met his son for the first time when we got home 2 days later. That was crazy and I'm grateful that that time is over. My sister was awesome, but I missed my husband. And I especially missed getting to see Sarah. She also wasn't allowed on the ward since there was a chance she had been exposed to Mark. So all in all, it was a lonely stay in the hospital for me and I was even happier to be home than normal.
Sarah has been a great big sister so far. She loves to hold Luke, help with bottles, etc. (most of the time... sometimes she just wants to play which is fine with us). But in the morning and at night the first thing she wants to do is see Luke and I love that. She hates when he is crying so that has been interesting (and I am glad that I kept her in daycare because of that!). But overall, she has been amazing. Mark and I are realizing exactly how compassionate she is (she definitely didn't get that from me!) and it's amazing to see her grow in this way. But I do worry that she is losing sleep because of Luke's crazy schedule and I'm counting down the days until he starts sleeping longer through the night and can be sleep trained to make it entirely through the night.
And that leads me to life with Luke... first of all, boys are definitely harder than girls at the beginning. From dealing with the male anatomy at changing time (which is far more tricky than the female anatomy and a MUCH higher likelihood of getting hit with bodily fluids) to just dealing with life with a newborn again. It's rough. And it's definitely harder when you already have a kid at home because we are doing everything we can to preserve Sarah's schedule and routine which means trying to eliminate as much crying on Luke's part (at least where Sarah can hear it) as possible. So there have been some LONG nights. And I have found myself being far more resentful of the loss of night sleep this time around than I was last time. I think it's that I know how much work it was to get through this time period last time and now it's like deja vu (or Groundhog Day, as Mark calls it). I look at Sarah and see how far we've come in 2 years and know that it's worth it. But the fact that we are back at virtual day 1 again just is painful.
People keep asking me if I will have another since it's "no big deal" once you get to the third one. I am just like... no way, no how. I always knew that I only wanted 2 kids max anyway. But yeah, this reminder of life with a newborn definitely seals the deal. I never want to go through this again. And, that being said, Luke is actually not such a bad kid. Granted, I think that's more because Mark and I know what to do this time around so we are better at this. And God knows that Luke still throws us for loops (being wide awake at 5am this morning was NOT something I was particularly pleased about). He seems to be having way more growth spurts than Sarah did. I'm chalking that up to him being a boy and gaining weight faster. Thankfully, the worst of his spurts (and, therefore, sleeping) have happened on weekends when Mark is able to help. I'm insanely grateful for that part because if I had been dealing with that during the week this kid would likely be dead. That being said, I still have needed to just walk away from him at times because I couldn't handle it anymore. And I constantly worry that I'm coming down too hard on Sarah because I'm tired out from Luke. I feel like she has been saying "Sorry mommy daddy" more often than she ever used to and I can't figure out if that is just her developmental stage in that we are firmly entrenched in the terrible 2s or if I am punishing her more often than I would if it was just the 3 of us. I just remind myself that I have no memories of being 2 years old so I assume Sarah will also forget pretty easily. She has no memory of the nursery being her room. In her mind, it was always Luke's room. We have shown her pictures and she thinks the baby is always Luke... not her. So hopefully this stage will pass by and she'll have no memory of it either. But of course that gives me that much more incentive to get Luke sleep-trained ASAP before it does cause any damage to Sarah's routine or she does start remembering how differently she was treated.
So according to my child-rearing "Bible" - Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child - life with Luke is going to get progressively worse until we hit the 6 week mark. At that point, he'll start sleeping longer through the night. I have been looking back at Sarah's eating/sleeping schedule that I kept and I noticed that she definitely was sleeping longer stretches by then. But, again, my one concern is that Luke seems to be eating so much more than her so I wonder if that will delay when he can sleep through the night without food. I pray it doesn't. I will shove as much food in him as possible during the day if it helps him sleep through the night. This is the start of week 3 so I've got 3 weeks left after this, give or take. The positive is that next week is Labor Day so Mark (and Sarah) will be home on Monday with me and Mark is working from home on Wednesday. Then the following week Mark is also working from home one day. So I'm hopeful that the knowledge that someone else is going to be home with me will make things easier. Even if Mark can't always help me out (especially if he's working) it will be nice to have someone else here. And if I can get through those 2 weeks (plus this week) then I'm into week 6 and hopefully I'll be seeing some changes. I'm just praying that the night sleep lengthens the way it's supposed to. If we could get a 6 hour stretch that would be amazing... then that would only be one night waking which would make me feel better with Sarah in the house. And, let's be honest, I could use the sleep! So we'll see... but that is my hope and prayer. What are the odds I could get this kid sleep-trained by 8 weeks?? I've heard of families that make it happen. I am going to do my best and pray for God's blessing in that area. Somehow I have a feeling that my feelings toward Luke will grow exponentially once he starts sleeping through the night. Sad, but true.
Anyway, on that note, I'm off to eat something. Luke is actually getting a decent nap right now, but I suspect he'll be waking up soon. So I don't want to waste all of my "free" time online. After all, I did pay the bills, fill out the forms for his birth certificate, read the news online, and write this blog. But there is always another list of things to do, right? The life of a mom of a newborn...
Friday, August 10, 2012
Last night as a family of 3
Well, the time has come. Luke decided that he needed some prodding to come into the world so I have an induction scheduled for early tomorrow morning. While I appreciate the fact that I get to plan and come to the hospital in a non-harried sense, it's also a very strange sensation compared to last time. But I couldn't help thinking as I sat at dinner with Sarah tonight, watched her take a bath, and read to her at bedtime that this was the last night that we are a family of 3. And a pretty big part of me right now is sad about that. I'm going to miss being a family of 3. I'm sure being a family of 4 will be great (once I get over the sleep deprivation) and we will have amazing memories. And I know I'll enjoy watching Sarah and Luke interact. But right now it feels like the end of an era and as much as I have wanted this boy to come out of me I'm now trying to hold on to every last second that he is still in me.
I hope and pray that Sarah will enjoy being a big sister. I hope that she loves Luke. I hope that I love Luke as much as I love Sarah. I hope that the craziness of being a family of 4 isn't quite as bad as I'm expecting. And I hope that everyone is happy and healthy. I hope that Sarah isn't too scared or upset to see me at the hospital when she comes to visit. And I hope that she will always know that we love her so much, even if there is a baby in the house who may need more of our attention at first. I hope my marriage with Mark stays as strong as it is and grows stronger in the coming years. I hope that we are able to return to the great place we were just getting to now faster the second time around. And I hope that I always realize how blessed we truly are and never take that for granted.
I hope and pray that Sarah will enjoy being a big sister. I hope that she loves Luke. I hope that I love Luke as much as I love Sarah. I hope that the craziness of being a family of 4 isn't quite as bad as I'm expecting. And I hope that everyone is happy and healthy. I hope that Sarah isn't too scared or upset to see me at the hospital when she comes to visit. And I hope that she will always know that we love her so much, even if there is a baby in the house who may need more of our attention at first. I hope my marriage with Mark stays as strong as it is and grows stronger in the coming years. I hope that we are able to return to the great place we were just getting to now faster the second time around. And I hope that I always realize how blessed we truly are and never take that for granted.
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Waiting, waiting, waiting...
It's been a rough week here as I continue waiting for this little one to show up. A lot of disappointment in the fact that he's just not here yet. I've been dilated (to 4cm) and effaced (to at least 80%) for a week now and still nothing. I've been dilated and effaced for 3 weeks (to a lesser extent, of course) and have been having more and more contractions, but still nothing. At this point, I just want this kid out of me.
Everyone I see is in shock that the kid hasn't fallen out of me yet. Every nurse and OB continues to warn me that I won't have much time to get to the hospital because I'm so far along. And yet, this kid doesn't want to come out. I know that this probably means that the labor and delivery will be quick. But I am just so sick of being pregnant (and wondering if I'll even be able to get an epidural this time) that I want it over with now. And every time someone expresses their shock that I'm still here and not in labor it just rubs me the wrong way and I want to scream or cry or throw something because I want this pregnancy over with.
I definitely have hit rock bottom for me as of yesterday night/this morning. I'm now crying a ton. I hate the way I look... I'm getting more and more stretch marks, something I never got with my daughter. So I'm wondering if my body will return back to normal like I did with Sarah, or if this is it and my body is now just going to look older and more worn out, which is depressing to say the least. And then my temper is getting shorter and shorter with my daughter, even though this obviously isn't her fault. And I hate that I'm taking it out on her. So then I just try not to say anything and basically become a mute. So that's not any better. Needless to say, this is a time in my life that I hope to forget very quickly. And it's sad that I don't have positive memories from this pregnancy to one day tell my son (assuming he ever arrives). Instead all I can think to say is, why didn't you come sooner so that mommy could feel better? Or, I feel like a complete waste of space on earth right now. I'm meant to be a productive member of society and instead I sit here waiting and waiting and wasting so much time. How do people just sit around all day? I can't do it. I want to go back to work right now if this is the alternative. And then I remind myself that I have an entire semester off... I won't go back to work until January. And I wonder if I can make it through that very long stretch of time.
This has been such a long pregnancy. We started trying in August, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, tried again, and now here I am... a year later (which I know is really nothing compared to what many people go through). But for a couple that said we weren't going to try that hard to have another because we weren't going to "die" if we only had one kid, this is a really long time for me. I'm feeling very old. And mostly, I just miss feeling like myself. I feel like Mark and I had just finally gotten back to a good place for our marriage - spending more quality time together, enjoying each other's company more, etc. and that was all because of Sarah's schedule and independence. Now we're taking two steps back and increasing our work load exponentially (according to what everyone tells me) and I wonder if we'll be able to get back to that point in another 2 years. And then I think... wow... another 2 years to wait to maybe hit a good point in marriage again. What the hell are we doing?
I'm really hoping that I'm going to be able to appreciate this boy when he comes out. As I stated in an earlier post, I already have a lot of trepidation about having a boy. Now that he is taking so long to arrive and this pregnancy is so different from the previous one, I feel like that is tainting my opinion of him too. I have told a few people close to me about this and I think they all think I'm joking or that everything will change when he arrives. But I'm not. I really wonder if I'm going to love this boy the way I love my daughter. Because right now, I'm having a hard time thinking anything positive about him.
On that note I'm going to take a shower and wait some more. This is the excitement of my life.
Everyone I see is in shock that the kid hasn't fallen out of me yet. Every nurse and OB continues to warn me that I won't have much time to get to the hospital because I'm so far along. And yet, this kid doesn't want to come out. I know that this probably means that the labor and delivery will be quick. But I am just so sick of being pregnant (and wondering if I'll even be able to get an epidural this time) that I want it over with now. And every time someone expresses their shock that I'm still here and not in labor it just rubs me the wrong way and I want to scream or cry or throw something because I want this pregnancy over with.
I definitely have hit rock bottom for me as of yesterday night/this morning. I'm now crying a ton. I hate the way I look... I'm getting more and more stretch marks, something I never got with my daughter. So I'm wondering if my body will return back to normal like I did with Sarah, or if this is it and my body is now just going to look older and more worn out, which is depressing to say the least. And then my temper is getting shorter and shorter with my daughter, even though this obviously isn't her fault. And I hate that I'm taking it out on her. So then I just try not to say anything and basically become a mute. So that's not any better. Needless to say, this is a time in my life that I hope to forget very quickly. And it's sad that I don't have positive memories from this pregnancy to one day tell my son (assuming he ever arrives). Instead all I can think to say is, why didn't you come sooner so that mommy could feel better? Or, I feel like a complete waste of space on earth right now. I'm meant to be a productive member of society and instead I sit here waiting and waiting and wasting so much time. How do people just sit around all day? I can't do it. I want to go back to work right now if this is the alternative. And then I remind myself that I have an entire semester off... I won't go back to work until January. And I wonder if I can make it through that very long stretch of time.
This has been such a long pregnancy. We started trying in August, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, tried again, and now here I am... a year later (which I know is really nothing compared to what many people go through). But for a couple that said we weren't going to try that hard to have another because we weren't going to "die" if we only had one kid, this is a really long time for me. I'm feeling very old. And mostly, I just miss feeling like myself. I feel like Mark and I had just finally gotten back to a good place for our marriage - spending more quality time together, enjoying each other's company more, etc. and that was all because of Sarah's schedule and independence. Now we're taking two steps back and increasing our work load exponentially (according to what everyone tells me) and I wonder if we'll be able to get back to that point in another 2 years. And then I think... wow... another 2 years to wait to maybe hit a good point in marriage again. What the hell are we doing?
I'm really hoping that I'm going to be able to appreciate this boy when he comes out. As I stated in an earlier post, I already have a lot of trepidation about having a boy. Now that he is taking so long to arrive and this pregnancy is so different from the previous one, I feel like that is tainting my opinion of him too. I have told a few people close to me about this and I think they all think I'm joking or that everything will change when he arrives. But I'm not. I really wonder if I'm going to love this boy the way I love my daughter. Because right now, I'm having a hard time thinking anything positive about him.
On that note I'm going to take a shower and wait some more. This is the excitement of my life.
Friday, June 08, 2012
And another huge gap between blogs...
All right, I know that I suck at blogging as I apparently lasted a week and then it was over with. And, honestly, I wasn't sitting here thinking that I needed/wanted to blog except that a post came up on Facebook and I really want to respond to it in a snide/bitchy way and obviously I can't do that. So I'm going to respond on my blog instead, that no one knows about.
So an acquaintance of mine (really a friend of Mark's that has now become one of my friends too) apparently is going back to graduate school and posted on FB that she just turned in a class project and feels that it is the equivalent of a doctoral thesis or climbing Mt. Everest. Really??? I just read it and was ticked off. First of all, the bitch in me wanted to point out that you write a doctoral dissertation and masters students write a thesis (along with many seniors completing their bachelors degree). But even more so, I wanted to say "thanks for equating 4 years of my hard work to a class project you did in one week. I really appreciate it. Clearly you understand what it means to research and write a dissertation." Ugh. But I didn't... because it would be rude to say those things on FB and call someone out like that. But seriously... do people think before they post? Just wondering.
In other news... it's always funny to look back on previous posts and see what has happened since then. In sad news, our dog Brinkley died in February. His tests came back pretty normal in September, we went through with a procedure to make him healthier, life seemed fine. And then one weekend it was just over quickly. He died peacefully in his bed, asleep, at our house. So that part was good... although shocking to realize what had happened. I think I had just expected that we would take him to the vet and have to make the decision to end his life. But in the end, he got to make the decision and I'm glad for him. I'm also glad that it was so quick. I never wanted him to suffer. My daughter doesn't really remember that we had a dog at all, I don't think. So one day when she is older I'll be sure to show her pictures of her and him together. While it's weird to be home for the summer and not have the dog wandering around the house following me, I admit that a part of me is relieved. Toward the end there were lots of accidents in the house, lots of planning how long we could be gone before someone needed to come home and take care of the dog, etc. And now that is gone. I admit that it has made our lives a bit easier and we aren't planning to get another dog for years to come until our kids can help take care of him/her. Mark has even admitted that if we were to get another pet, he wouldn't mind having a cat because they are so much easier. The only issue is that he is allergic... so we'd have to deal with that problem. But let's just say that that is not a big concern right now.
The really big news is that I'm pregnant and due in August. We're having a boy this time and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried about the prospect. To be honest, I was hoping for another girl because I felt like I knew what I was doing with a girl and could handle whatever was dished out at me. Plus, the parts are just easier. But I've had 2 ultrasounds and both times they verified a boy... so unless two different techs screwed up, it's a boy. (I'm still keeping my girl clothes just in case) Everyone tells me that boys are easier, but I watch the boys at daycare and I think they are full of it. I think they say that to make you feel better... but I don't really believe it's true. But maybe I'm wrong. Let's hope...
I think the idea of having a boy has gotten easier for me during this pregnancy because Sarah has become more of a mama's girl in the last few months. She used to only have eyes for Mark. They were buds and I was the mean mommy who took her to the doctor for shots. Sure, I fed and changed her and she appreciated that... but she only played with daddy. But now she hangs out and plays with me more too. She's still a daddy's girl... but she calls for me and wants me around just as much. And that has been nice. Honestly, I've probably needed that. When I found out we were having a boy I cried that night and told Mark that I wasn't going to have any kids that liked me. Sarah was daddy's girl and I wouldn't allow myself to baby a little boy. I'd want him to love and respect his mother, but I didn't want him to be a mama's boy in the end because God knows his life would be miserable once he got to school. I feel like Sarah somehow knew that I needed more from her and boy did she deliver. And it has helped me to get ready to have a boy.
It's probably also helped that this pregnancy has been easier on me. Granted, I was really sick for the first trimester... sicker than I ever was with Sarah. So that sucked. But once that first trimester was over, things went back to "normal." I haven't had food aversions, don't really have cravings, I just like to eat. I am definitely much bigger than I was with Sarah so that has been more uncomfortable, and having to get through the entire summer before this kid comes is not something I'm looking forward to. This boy kicks a lot harder than Sarah did, but every doctor tells me that he's very active and I think that's good. Active babies are harder, but I think they're more fun in the end. I honestly don't think I'd deal well with a kid who was content to just sit around all day and do nothing. Plus, he needs to be able to keep up with his sister. I don't want Sarah completely dominating him. It has also been amazing to watch Sarah change. I think she understands what is happening (at some level)... we certainly talk to her about it a lot. And she is so good with the babies at her daycare. She is definitely in the phase where she likes to take care of dolls/babies and I figure it happened at the perfect time. So all in all, most of my trepidation is gone. I can't imagine how tired we are going to be and I have no idea how we are going to manage two kids. My friends have all told me that it isn't just double the work, it's exponentially harder. I believe them. But I know we'll make it through. And this time around at least you know that the worst is over within the first year. And who knows? Maybe this kid will be an easier baby? I'm not really expecting it... but you never know. Miracles can happen. All I know is that if this kid is fussy from the start, we're moving straight to soy formula on day one. No screwing around. I'm not going to kill myself trying to breastfeed, etc. We'll just do what we need to do and that's it.
Knowing that I have a real maternity leave this time, followed by sabbatical, also makes it easier. There's not such a push to worry that we need to get on schedule, we need to have everything figured out by the time I go to work, I need to figure out how to teach while not sleeping through the night, etc. That takes the pressure off, to say the least. And hopefully this baby will feel that and be calmer. Hopefully...
It's another adventure in our life so we'll see how things change in the next several months. Maybe I'll actually keep up with blogging since I won't be working. But let's be realistic... I think it's more likely the baby will be calm and sleep through the night (not likely) than I will actually keep up with a blog. But that's okay. That's the joy of a blog that no one knows about. :)
So an acquaintance of mine (really a friend of Mark's that has now become one of my friends too) apparently is going back to graduate school and posted on FB that she just turned in a class project and feels that it is the equivalent of a doctoral thesis or climbing Mt. Everest. Really??? I just read it and was ticked off. First of all, the bitch in me wanted to point out that you write a doctoral dissertation and masters students write a thesis (along with many seniors completing their bachelors degree). But even more so, I wanted to say "thanks for equating 4 years of my hard work to a class project you did in one week. I really appreciate it. Clearly you understand what it means to research and write a dissertation." Ugh. But I didn't... because it would be rude to say those things on FB and call someone out like that. But seriously... do people think before they post? Just wondering.
In other news... it's always funny to look back on previous posts and see what has happened since then. In sad news, our dog Brinkley died in February. His tests came back pretty normal in September, we went through with a procedure to make him healthier, life seemed fine. And then one weekend it was just over quickly. He died peacefully in his bed, asleep, at our house. So that part was good... although shocking to realize what had happened. I think I had just expected that we would take him to the vet and have to make the decision to end his life. But in the end, he got to make the decision and I'm glad for him. I'm also glad that it was so quick. I never wanted him to suffer. My daughter doesn't really remember that we had a dog at all, I don't think. So one day when she is older I'll be sure to show her pictures of her and him together. While it's weird to be home for the summer and not have the dog wandering around the house following me, I admit that a part of me is relieved. Toward the end there were lots of accidents in the house, lots of planning how long we could be gone before someone needed to come home and take care of the dog, etc. And now that is gone. I admit that it has made our lives a bit easier and we aren't planning to get another dog for years to come until our kids can help take care of him/her. Mark has even admitted that if we were to get another pet, he wouldn't mind having a cat because they are so much easier. The only issue is that he is allergic... so we'd have to deal with that problem. But let's just say that that is not a big concern right now.
The really big news is that I'm pregnant and due in August. We're having a boy this time and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried about the prospect. To be honest, I was hoping for another girl because I felt like I knew what I was doing with a girl and could handle whatever was dished out at me. Plus, the parts are just easier. But I've had 2 ultrasounds and both times they verified a boy... so unless two different techs screwed up, it's a boy. (I'm still keeping my girl clothes just in case) Everyone tells me that boys are easier, but I watch the boys at daycare and I think they are full of it. I think they say that to make you feel better... but I don't really believe it's true. But maybe I'm wrong. Let's hope...
I think the idea of having a boy has gotten easier for me during this pregnancy because Sarah has become more of a mama's girl in the last few months. She used to only have eyes for Mark. They were buds and I was the mean mommy who took her to the doctor for shots. Sure, I fed and changed her and she appreciated that... but she only played with daddy. But now she hangs out and plays with me more too. She's still a daddy's girl... but she calls for me and wants me around just as much. And that has been nice. Honestly, I've probably needed that. When I found out we were having a boy I cried that night and told Mark that I wasn't going to have any kids that liked me. Sarah was daddy's girl and I wouldn't allow myself to baby a little boy. I'd want him to love and respect his mother, but I didn't want him to be a mama's boy in the end because God knows his life would be miserable once he got to school. I feel like Sarah somehow knew that I needed more from her and boy did she deliver. And it has helped me to get ready to have a boy.
It's probably also helped that this pregnancy has been easier on me. Granted, I was really sick for the first trimester... sicker than I ever was with Sarah. So that sucked. But once that first trimester was over, things went back to "normal." I haven't had food aversions, don't really have cravings, I just like to eat. I am definitely much bigger than I was with Sarah so that has been more uncomfortable, and having to get through the entire summer before this kid comes is not something I'm looking forward to. This boy kicks a lot harder than Sarah did, but every doctor tells me that he's very active and I think that's good. Active babies are harder, but I think they're more fun in the end. I honestly don't think I'd deal well with a kid who was content to just sit around all day and do nothing. Plus, he needs to be able to keep up with his sister. I don't want Sarah completely dominating him. It has also been amazing to watch Sarah change. I think she understands what is happening (at some level)... we certainly talk to her about it a lot. And she is so good with the babies at her daycare. She is definitely in the phase where she likes to take care of dolls/babies and I figure it happened at the perfect time. So all in all, most of my trepidation is gone. I can't imagine how tired we are going to be and I have no idea how we are going to manage two kids. My friends have all told me that it isn't just double the work, it's exponentially harder. I believe them. But I know we'll make it through. And this time around at least you know that the worst is over within the first year. And who knows? Maybe this kid will be an easier baby? I'm not really expecting it... but you never know. Miracles can happen. All I know is that if this kid is fussy from the start, we're moving straight to soy formula on day one. No screwing around. I'm not going to kill myself trying to breastfeed, etc. We'll just do what we need to do and that's it.
Knowing that I have a real maternity leave this time, followed by sabbatical, also makes it easier. There's not such a push to worry that we need to get on schedule, we need to have everything figured out by the time I go to work, I need to figure out how to teach while not sleeping through the night, etc. That takes the pressure off, to say the least. And hopefully this baby will feel that and be calmer. Hopefully...
It's another adventure in our life so we'll see how things change in the next several months. Maybe I'll actually keep up with blogging since I won't be working. But let's be realistic... I think it's more likely the baby will be calm and sleep through the night (not likely) than I will actually keep up with a blog. But that's okay. That's the joy of a blog that no one knows about. :)
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