Work-Life Balance

Even before I was a mom, I was always interested in anything and everything that had to do with work-life balance and being a working mom.  Considering the fact that I made my career decisions primarily because of my desire to eventually have a family, I suppose this isn't surprising.  So needless to say, I've had plenty to read with the hiring of Marissa Mayer as CEO of Yahoo and the recent publication of Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook.  There are blog posts and articles all over the internet supporting and berating these women and the comments to each article are even more interesting.  I would say that neither of these women speak for the average working mom.  After all, their salaries are significantly higher than 90% of Americans (if not more) and that gives them many additional opportunities when it comes to raising their kids and balancing their workload.  But that being said, it has made me think about my own personal work-life balance a lot more recently, and here's what I've come to conclude.

A lot (let's be honest, the majority) of folks will say that once you become a mom either your kid or your job is sacrificed.  But I haven't really found that to be the case.  I'm sure every stay-at-home mom would say that my kids are being sacrificed because I'm not with them 100% of the time.  But I don't think having a full-time parent around is always the best option either.  I've seen plenty of full-time parents who spend most of their day with their kids plopped in front of the TV.  I'm sure that my child is getting a much more valuable experience being in daycare where she is learning to write her name, color in the lines, etc.  And I know that if I were to stay home with my kids, I'm not the parent who would get them involved in play groups, sign them up for park district classes (because we wouldn't be able to afford it), etc.  So the reality is that my kids would be "behind" because of me.  And how is that better for them?  But I digress.  The reality is that people who are against daycare will forever be against daycare no matter what I say.  That's not the point.

The reality is that I have been far more productive in my job ever since I had kids.  I suppose I can count being pregnant too, because I was definitely super-productive that year.  And I truly believe that I've become more productive because of my kids.  Having kids requires you to better manage your time.  If you're trying to complete work for your job and be there for all of your kids' stuff, then you need to be a good time manager.  Thank God I love to organize things, so this works for me.  But it means that when I come to work, I sometimes will come in a bit earlier to get stuff done.  I no longer sit in the faculty lounge for 30 minutes to an hour before my first class to just "shoot the breeze" with my colleagues.  I miss having that time.  But now I spend that time prepping for class or setting up an experiment so that it will run during my class.  It's a small sacrifice to make and I just make sure to chat up my fellow colleagues when I see them in the hallway, etc.  I also watch the clock at the end of the day to be sure that I'm out of here by 4pm so that I can get my kids from daycare and spend time with them before they go to bed at 7pm.  That means that sometimes I need to bring work home with me or accept that things just won't be done today and they will have to wait until tomorrow.  Again, a small sacrifice to pay for time spent with my kids.  But most of all I feel as though watching the clock has made me much more cognizant of what I can accomplish in a day and I work hard to get things done.  I don't waste as much time chatting with colleagues when I have things to do.  Instead, I realize that I also have long incubation periods during experiments at times and that is an excellent time to catch up on the news.  That way things are still "cooking" so I'm not wasting time doing nothing.  

And let's be honest, I'm more productive with my time because now I'm working for something.  I have an end game.  I want to get that final promotion so that I can then take a summer "off" to spend with my kids.  I want to be able to show them that their mommy is a successful woman outside of home.  And I want to be able to provide for my family the way my husband does.  I want my kids to understand that this is a relationship based on equality.  No one parent is better than the other.  No one parent provides the money while the other cares for the house.  Both parents do both jobs.  And I think that my daughter and my son learn valuable lessons from each of us about gender roles, etc. because I work outside of home.

Since I had my daughter I have established a research program at my school, published two papers with another major paper on the way, served on several major committees, revised our department's curriculum, presented our work at national conferences, and obtained tenure and promotion.  I'm now well on track to obtain my final promotion in a few years.  In fact, with the publication of one additional paper (that I'm finishing the final figures on right now) I will be "ready" for my final promotion and now just have to wait until I've served enough years on campus to be eligible to go up.  It's a pretty impressive feeling to know that I already have enough work done and I still have 2 more years to gather more data and do more stuff.  And, again, I've done all of this while I had 2 kids at home, neither of whom is "independent" in any way, shape, or form.  

So for all of the nay-sayers out there, sometimes I wonder if it's more of an issue of laziness than the fact that you can't do something.  Yes, I'm tired.  Yes, I work hard.  But that is life.  I don't know of anyone who says they aren't tired and aren't working hard.  But I also watch some of my colleagues who don't have children.  They come to work at 9 or 10am (when I get here at 7:30 at the latest) and they leave before I do.  They claim they're doing a lot of work at home... but are they?  Maybe the reason they aren't accomplishing their goals has nothing to do with children and much more to do with their work ethic.  I also know plenty of people who get here before I do and leave after I do.  Yet I haven't been able to figure out what they do with all of their time (other than play computer games or set up birthday invitations for their kids' parties) and yet they never seem to be able to accomplish anything.  Again, I feel like a little time management would go a long way in many cases.  So maybe we need to stop bashing each other for everyone's life choices and, instead, take a look in the mirror and decide if we're really making the best use of our time.  Just saying...

Mother-daughter relationships

Recently I've realized that I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that I have a good mother-daughter relationship with Sarah.  I know that it stems from the fact that I don't have a great relationship with my mom and dad and it is the one thing, more than anything else, that I want to change with my own family.  But what that really means is that I am constantly second-guessing myself and have insane amounts of mommy guilt when it comes to my daughter.

I know that our relationship will never be perfect. I know that she will "hate" me for some horrible thing I do (ground her, not allow her to date someone, not allow her to go to a party, etc.) but I hope that these will be fleeting thoughts and feelings and that she will always know she can come to me about anything and I will be there for her.  And I want her to always know that I love her no matter what, because it is the one thing that I don't have with my own parents.

But then you get to days like today... it's been a rough week.  She was sent home from school because she was sick with what appeared to be a case of indigestion when it was all done.  So then I had both kids at home with me on Monday and Tuesday which was tiring, to say the least.  I had to get her out of school early on Wednesday because it was Halloween so we needed to get home to trick-or-treat.  And now my husband has informed me that I'll have both kids all day Sunday because he has to go into work.  Awesome.

While Luke is starting to sleep better at night and going longer before needing to eat, the issue is that now he needs to eat when it's my turn to feed him.  So I'm up every night feeding him and then I can't get back to sleep.  So I'm becoming more and more sleep deprived with each passing day.

At the same time, my daughter hasn't been sleeping as well, ostensibly due to her molars coming in.  Or she's just having bad dreams... we really have no idea.  What I do know is that she wakes up screaming for mommy in the middle of the night.  And that kills me.  The few times I have gone in to check on her it's clear that she's dreaming because while I can easily calm her, her eyes are shut, and she's basically a zombie that I have to move around/tuck back in.  So then I worry that I could create a night waking habit if I keep going into her.  So then I don't go in and I feel bad, but she eventually falls back asleep after screaming for mommy several times.  Ugh.  This morning she woke up screaming for me and when daddy went in to get her dressed and ready for school she wanted none of it.  That resulted in her screaming so much that she woke up her brother (after I had just spent the previous half hour getting him back to sleep!).  Needless to say, mommy wasn't happy when she came in Sarah's room and I yelled at her and told her to stop crying.  Then I left the room.

Of course the minute I got back to my room the mommy guilt hit hard and fast.  I just yelled at my daughter because she wanted to see me this morning.  Now, on the one hand, she needs to be a-okay with mommy or daddy getting her dressed and ready in the morning so I don't want to create a situation where she'll only work with me because that's no good.  But at the same point, did I go too far and did I just punish my daughter because she wanted to spend time with me?  I don't know the answer.  I just know that I felt like shit.  Normally she comes into our room after she's done getting dressed to give me a hug and kiss before she leaves for school, but daddy just took her straight downstairs.  So I ended up following them because I couldn't take the horrible feelings of guilt anymore and gave her a big hug.  She wouldn't even look at me and obviously realized she had been bad and wouldn't hold her head up.  Of course I then felt even worse.  Now I just sit here today hoping that she has since forgotten the entire scene and will see me when I pick her up at school today and run to me with a smile on her face yelling "Mommy! Mommy!" like she has recently.  I hope so.  Then I'll know that everything is better again.  Until then, I sit here and think about it more and more and pray I didn't just put another nail in the coffin of what will one day be our relationship.

Things do get better in week 6

So all of the research (and books) say that life with a baby gets better in week 6 and they are right.  I don't remember much with Sarah because she was so colicky, but now that I have a "normal" baby I totally see it. And yeah, life is a lot better in week 6.  Now, this likely has to also do with the fact that we made Luke cry-it-out when we put him to bed on Sunday night and he dropped a night feeding and has only had 2 feedings a night since then.  It's amazing what waking up 2 times a night vs. 3 times a night can do for you.

Now, for everyone out there (who isn't reading this blog) who thinks I'm a horribly insensitive person to do this, please understand that we still respond to him when he cries at night to be fed.  And if he had cried and woken up 3 times, we still would have fed him 3 times.  We actually didn't think he'd drop a feeding like that and we're not sure if that was coincidence or not.  We're not crying it out in order to get him to sleep through the entire night at this point; we know that isn't going to happen.  But he needs to start learning to fall asleep on his own.  And this was the time when night sleep was supposed to begin consolidating, which we're starting to see.  Thank God.  Interestingly, at the same time that his night sleep began to consolidate, his naps are all over the place.  Well, I should say that his morning nap is all over the place.  I used to reliably get a good 1 hour nap if I put him down around 8:45.  Now, it doesn't seem to matter when I put him down, that morning nap just sucks.  On the other hand, his afternoon nap continues to be as strong as ever.  I can't say I'm complaining too much because that afternoon nap is the one I care about more.  And he seems to go down for that nap with relative ease, which is awesome.  I just find it funny because the morning nap is supposed to develop first and strongest in babies this age (and likely should be getting pretty good at the 3 month mark, which is only a few weeks away) and yet it's the crappy nap here.  The one that is supposed to develop at 5 months is good to go.  So weird.  But it is what it is.

Luke also started returning my smiles this week... certainly not all the time, but he is really cracking some great smiles, which is awesome.  Sarah definitely took longer to smile at me, so it's a nice change.  Overall, he's just an easier baby.  Maybe it's because I know what I'm doing... maybe he really is easier.  I don't know.  Now if only he would drop another night feeding...

On the other front, being at home while life moves on at work is extremely difficult.  Decisions are being made, things are progressing, and I just have to sit back and watch it happen.  I suck at doing that, in case you were wondering.  This is why, one day, when I retire I just am saying goodbye, walking out, and not looking back.  I don't want to know, I don't care.  But when decisions are being made that affect me, that's when I care.  So let's just say that many e-mails have been sent in the past day and I've been crying and upset and it just sucks.  This latest battle appears to be over, but I'm sure it won't be the last one.  And then I just get pissed that I'm supposed to be on leave.  I'm not even supposed to be doing anything relating to this, and yet here I am, checking and responding to e-mails frantically, because if I don't say something I will get steamrolled.  Awesome.  So all in all, not the greatest day for me.  But there's really not much I can say or do right now.  At least the annoying part is all from work and not Luke.  I suppose that's an improvement (and probably the way it's supposed to be) but it still isn't fun.

Sleep training

Now God knows that this is a touchy subject amongst the parenting crowd, but I believe in sleep training a kid.  And I believe in starting early.  I hear all these stories from parents whose kids didn't sleep through the night until they were 1, 2, 3 years old and I think they are all insane.  I'm not willing to give up that much of my life to my kid.  Plus... how are you ever going to get baby-sitters?  I guess you just never leave your kid??  Sorry... that's just not me.

So my sleep training "Bible" is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.  I am forever indebted to my friend, John, who originally told me about this book.  Honestly, if he hadn't told me about it I probably never would have done it or thought it possible (since most of the posts online are from stay-at-home moms who don't agree with this) and I'd probably still have a kid who is a crappy sleeper (and I definitely wouldn't have a second kid if that was the case!).  This book is great because it actually has real cited research and I think it's a good middle of the ground book.  He doesn't overly promote one method over another.  If you want to co-sleep, do it, if you want your kid in a crib, do it.  Do whatever works for your family so that you are all well rested. It's so true.

Anyway, the big push in this book is that you have to work to get day sleep organized and then night sleep will consolidate following that.  Oh... and kids need to go to bed much earlier than most parents put them to bed.  Sarah has been sleeping from 7-7 since she was 4 months old and we cut out all night feedings at 5 months (and, honestly, we could have done it sooner but we were too stupid to realize she didn't need to eat, she just got used to the wake-up).  I know a lot of parents (including my own) think that 7pm is too early for bedtime but I completely disagree.  If it was too early then she wouldn't fall asleep and stay asleep until the next morning.  And when my kid wakes up in the morning, she is happy, reading her books, chatting to her animals, etc.  Much better than a screaming kid.  And maybe Mark and I are just selfish, but we LOVE having that time in the evening to ourselves to either enjoy a later dinner, watch TV in peace, get some extra work done (okay, no one really likes working at night.. but at least we have the option if we need to get things done!), etc.  And God knows that it's much easier to find a babysitter when you tell them they just have to get your kid in bed at 7pm and then they are good to go and basically just making sure your house doesn't burn down.

So anyway... this week I started making the push for daytime nap training for Luke.  It's still very early and I'm not expecting major results yet.  The book states that night sleep won't really consolidate until he is 6 weeks old.  But if we can get the day routine going then that works for me.  It's been 3 days now and I'd say we've had some good success.  Basically, what it means at this point is that I make sure that he is back down to sleep within 2 hours of waking up.  Sometimes it's shorter, sometimes longer.  Just depends on how he is doing.  The other big thing is that the sleep needs to be motionless sleep in a quiet place.  So he needs to be in a crib or pack and play and not a bouncy chair, car seat in a moving car, swing, etc.  The theory being that your most restorative sleep is when you are motionless.  So that is what we have been doing.  Now, when they are 6 weeks old, you can put your kid to sleep drowsy but awake to teach them to soothe themselves to sleep so that, eventually, they don't need help sleeping.  Right now, at 3 weeks, I still need to help soothe Luke to sleep and won't let him just cry it out.  But the other great thing about this technique is that if you watch your child's drowsy signs then you can potentially put him/her to sleep with minimal soothing and if you hit it at the right time then there will be little to no crying.  So you won't even need to "cry it out."  Now, please note that I am totally in favor of crying it out and I don't think it will do any permanent harm to your child.  We letter Sarah cry and she is still her mommy and daddy's girl and has no memory of those times at all.  With Sarah, we couldn't do the real "extinction" and had to do "graduated extinction" because we learned that she would just keep crying and needed a bit of reassurance.  So we "Ferberized" her and it was great.  In a week she was sleeping through the night and we were all happier.  Since I have more confidence in my abilities to sleep train this time around, I'm starting Luke a bit earlier (plus, Sarah was colicky and needed to be switched to soy formula so that took a month to figure out and I didn't even think to start sleep training until she was 6 or 7 weeks old already).  My hope is that I can get Luke used to soothing himself to sleep during nap times (and if a small amount of crying is necessary after 6 weeks, he can do that when it's just him and me and we don't interrupt Sarah's night sleep as much).  Shockingly, I am already seeing some good results this week and today he went down for 2 naps with no intervention from me whatsoever!  I put him in his crib drowsy but awake and he passed out on his own with little to no fussing and definitely no crying.  So I'm hopeful that this is a good start and we can progress from here.  I'm also trying to not have Luke attached to a pacifier the way Sarah was... although I'm not as concerned if that happens.  You can always take a pacifier away with a couple nights of protest crying.  But I won't let him become attached to sucking his thumb, which is his default soothing mechanism right now.  So we shall see.

And on that note, of course my thought that things were going great just backfired because he is now awake and crying even though he just ate a couple hours ago.  Argh.  The joys of parenting a newborn... you never know what you're getting from one day to the next.  So downstairs I run to see what the scoop is.

Until next time...

Party of 4

I figure that since my last post was about the end of being a family of 3 that I should start this one with the title of party of 4.  Sorry for the delay in blogging, but at least this time around I had a legitimate excuse of caring for a newborn.  It's been a crazy few weeks.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of the labor and delivery other than to say that Mark ended up getting quarantined off of labor/delivery and mother/baby because he had a case of hand, foot, and mouth disease.  Therefore, my sister was able to be there for everything and Mark met his son for the first time when we got home 2 days later.  That was crazy and I'm grateful that that time is over.  My sister was awesome, but I missed my husband.  And I especially missed getting to see Sarah.  She also wasn't allowed on the ward since there was a chance she had been exposed to Mark.  So all in all, it was a lonely stay in the hospital for me and I was even happier to be home than normal.

Sarah has been a great big sister so far.  She loves to hold Luke, help with bottles, etc. (most of the time... sometimes she just wants to play which is fine with us).  But in the morning and at night the first thing she wants to do is see Luke and I love that.  She hates when he is crying so that has been interesting (and I am glad that I kept her in daycare because of that!).  But overall, she has been amazing.  Mark and I are realizing exactly how compassionate she is (she definitely didn't get that from me!) and it's amazing to see her grow in this way.  But I do worry that she is losing sleep because of Luke's crazy schedule and I'm counting down the days until he starts sleeping longer through the night and can be sleep trained to make it entirely through the night.

And that leads me to life with Luke... first of all, boys are definitely harder than girls at the beginning.  From dealing with the male anatomy at changing time (which is far more tricky than the female anatomy and a MUCH higher likelihood of getting hit with bodily fluids) to just dealing with life with a newborn again.  It's rough.  And it's definitely harder when you already have a kid at home because we are doing everything we can to preserve Sarah's schedule and routine which means trying to eliminate as much crying on Luke's part (at least where Sarah can hear it) as possible.  So there have been some LONG nights.  And I have found myself being far more resentful of the loss of night sleep this time around than I was last time.  I think it's that I know how much work it was to get through this time period last time and now it's like deja vu (or Groundhog Day, as Mark calls it).  I look at Sarah and see how far we've come in 2 years and know that it's worth it.  But the fact that we are back at virtual day 1 again just is painful.

People keep asking me if I will have another since it's "no big deal" once you get to the third one.  I am just like... no way, no how.  I always knew that I only wanted 2 kids max anyway.  But yeah, this reminder of life with a newborn definitely seals the deal.  I never want to go through this again.  And, that being said, Luke is actually not such a bad kid.  Granted, I think that's more because Mark and I know what to do this time around so we are better at this.  And God knows that Luke still throws us for loops (being wide awake at 5am this morning was NOT something I was particularly pleased about).  He seems to be having way more growth spurts than Sarah did.  I'm chalking that up to him being a boy and gaining weight faster.  Thankfully, the worst of his spurts (and, therefore, sleeping) have happened on weekends when Mark is able to help.  I'm insanely grateful for that part because if I had been dealing with that during the week this kid would likely be dead.  That being said, I still have needed to just walk away from him at times because I couldn't handle it anymore.  And I constantly worry that I'm coming down too hard on Sarah because I'm tired out from Luke.  I feel like she has been saying "Sorry mommy daddy" more often than she ever used to and I can't figure out if that is just her developmental stage in that we are firmly entrenched in the terrible 2s or if I am punishing her more often than I would if it was just the 3 of us.  I just remind myself that I have no memories of being 2 years old so I assume Sarah will also forget pretty easily.  She has no memory of the nursery being her room.  In her mind, it was always Luke's room.  We have shown her pictures and she thinks the baby is always Luke... not her.  So hopefully this stage will pass by and she'll have no memory of it either.  But of course that gives me that much more incentive to get Luke sleep-trained ASAP before it does cause any damage to Sarah's routine or she does start remembering how differently she was treated.

So according to my child-rearing "Bible" - Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child - life with Luke is going to get progressively worse until we hit the 6 week mark.  At that point, he'll start sleeping longer through the night.  I have been looking back at Sarah's eating/sleeping schedule that I kept and I noticed that she definitely was sleeping longer stretches by then.  But, again, my one concern is that Luke seems to be eating so much more than her so I wonder if that will delay when he can sleep through the night without food.  I pray it doesn't.  I will shove as much food in him as possible during the day if it helps him sleep through the night.  This is the start of week 3 so I've got 3 weeks left after this, give or take.  The positive is that next week is Labor Day so Mark (and Sarah) will be home on Monday with me and Mark is working from home on Wednesday.  Then the following week Mark is also working from home one day.  So I'm hopeful that the knowledge that someone else is going to be home with me will make things easier.  Even if Mark can't always help me out (especially if he's working) it will be nice to have someone else here.  And if I can get through those 2 weeks (plus this week) then I'm into week 6 and hopefully I'll be seeing some changes.  I'm just praying that the night sleep lengthens the way it's supposed to.  If we could get a 6 hour stretch that would be amazing... then that would only be one night waking which would make me feel better with Sarah in the house.  And, let's be honest, I could use the sleep!  So we'll see... but that is my hope and prayer.  What are the odds I could get this kid sleep-trained by 8 weeks??  I've heard of families that make it happen.  I am going to do my best and pray for God's blessing in that area.  Somehow I have a feeling that my feelings toward Luke will grow exponentially once he starts sleeping through the night.  Sad, but true.

Anyway, on that note, I'm off to eat something.  Luke is actually getting a decent nap right now, but I suspect he'll be waking up soon.  So I don't want to waste all of my "free" time online.  After all, I did pay the bills, fill out the forms for his birth certificate, read the news online, and write this blog.  But there is always another list of things to do, right?  The life of a mom of a newborn...

Last night as a family of 3

Well, the time has come.  Luke decided that he needed some prodding to come into the world so I have an induction scheduled for early tomorrow morning.  While I appreciate the fact that I get to plan and come to the hospital in a non-harried sense, it's also a very strange sensation compared to last time.  But I couldn't help thinking as I sat at dinner with Sarah tonight, watched her take a bath, and read to her at bedtime that this was the last night that we are a family of 3.  And a pretty big part of me right now is sad about that.  I'm going to miss being a family of 3.  I'm sure being a family of 4 will be great (once I get over the sleep deprivation) and we will have amazing memories.  And I know I'll enjoy watching Sarah and Luke interact.  But right now it feels like the end of an era and as much as I have wanted this boy to come out of me I'm now trying to hold on to every last second that he is still in me.

I hope and pray that Sarah will enjoy being a big sister.  I hope that she loves Luke.  I hope that I love Luke as much as I love Sarah.  I hope that the craziness of being a family of 4 isn't quite as bad as I'm expecting.  And I hope that everyone is happy and healthy.  I hope that Sarah isn't too scared or upset to see me at the hospital when she comes to visit.  And I hope that she will always know that we love her so much, even if there is a baby in the house who may need more of our attention at first.  I hope my marriage with Mark stays as strong as it is and grows stronger in the coming years.  I hope that we are able to return to the great place we were just getting to now faster the second time around.  And I hope that I always realize how blessed we truly are and never take that for granted.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

It's been a rough week here as I continue waiting for this little one to show up.  A lot of disappointment in the fact that he's just not here yet.  I've been dilated (to 4cm) and effaced (to at least 80%) for a week now and still nothing.  I've been dilated and effaced for 3 weeks (to a lesser extent, of course) and have been having more and more contractions, but still nothing.  At this point, I just want this kid out of me.

Everyone I see is in shock that the kid hasn't fallen out of me yet.  Every nurse and OB continues to warn me that I won't have much time to get to the hospital because I'm so far along.  And yet, this kid doesn't want to come out.  I know that this probably means that the labor and delivery will be quick.  But I am just so sick of being pregnant (and wondering if I'll even be able to get an epidural this time) that I want it over with now.  And every time someone expresses their shock that I'm still here and not in labor it just rubs me the wrong way and I want to scream or cry or throw something because I want this pregnancy over with.

I definitely have hit rock bottom for me as of yesterday night/this morning.  I'm now crying a ton.  I hate the way I look... I'm getting more and more stretch marks, something I never got with my daughter.  So I'm wondering if my body will return back to normal like I did with Sarah, or if this is it and my body is now just going to look older and more worn out, which is depressing to say the least.  And then my temper is getting shorter and shorter with my daughter, even though this obviously isn't her fault.  And I hate that I'm taking it out on her.  So then I just try not to say anything and basically become a mute.  So that's not any better.  Needless to say, this is a time in my life that I hope to forget very quickly.  And it's sad that I don't have positive memories from this pregnancy to one day tell my son (assuming he ever arrives).  Instead all I can think to say is, why didn't you come sooner so that mommy could feel better?  Or, I feel like a complete waste of space on earth right now.  I'm meant to be a productive member of society and instead I sit here waiting and waiting and wasting so much time.  How do people just sit around all day?  I can't do it.  I want to go back to work right now if this is the alternative.  And then I remind myself that I have an entire semester off... I won't go back to work until January.  And I wonder if I can make it through that very long stretch of time.

This has been such a long pregnancy.  We started trying in August, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, tried again, and now here I am... a year later (which I know is really nothing compared to what many people go through).  But for a couple that said we weren't going to try that hard to have another because we weren't going to "die" if we only had one kid, this is a really long time for me.  I'm feeling very old.  And mostly, I just miss feeling like myself.  I feel like Mark and I had just finally gotten back to a good place for our marriage - spending more quality time together, enjoying each other's company more, etc. and that was all because of Sarah's schedule and independence.  Now we're taking two steps back and increasing our work load exponentially (according to what everyone tells me) and I wonder if we'll be able to get back to that point in another 2 years.  And then I think... wow... another 2 years to wait to maybe hit a good point in marriage again.  What the hell are we doing?

I'm really hoping that I'm going to be able to appreciate this boy when he comes out.  As I stated in an earlier post, I already have a lot of trepidation about having a boy.  Now that he is taking so long to arrive and this pregnancy is so different from the previous one, I feel like that is tainting my opinion of him too.  I have told a few people close to me about this and I think they all think I'm joking or that everything will change when he arrives.  But I'm not.  I really wonder if I'm going to love this boy the way I love my daughter.  Because right now, I'm having a hard time thinking anything positive about him.

On that note I'm going to take a shower and wait some more.  This is the excitement of my life.