So I've been thinking a lot about "the circle of life" lately (and, of course, I can't help but get the song from the Lion King stuck in my head when I think those words... I'm guessing the song is now running through your head right now too). Anyway... our dog isn't doing so well and we'll find out tomorrow after some more tests are done what the likelihood is that he'll be around with us for much longer. While I don't want him to go right now, I also don't want him in pain. Mostly I'm just hoping that we get a clear indication of what is happening so that we can make a decision that is more black and white than shades of gray. We'll see though...
Anyway, as we've been worrying about our dog, we have also been talking about having another baby. Thus, the circle of life. Now, please don't misunderstand... we were planning to start trying to have another child sometime in the very near future anyway, so we aren't thinking of having a baby as a potential replacement to our dog. That just wouldn't work. But it is interesting how the timing works out.
Either way, the thought of having another baby fills me with mixed emotions. Maybe that's bad to say. There is a part of me and my husband that would honestly stop having kids right now and say we're done. Our daughter will be an only child, etc. However, the reasons that we would say that are that we would be in a far better financial position much sooner and, therefore, we'd be able to take nice vacations sooner. Also, there is certainly the whole "we are done with bottles and working our way out of diapers... why would we want to go back?" But we also realize that those are extremely selfish reasons to not have a child and so we go back to talking about having another one. (As a side note, Mark and I both decided that if we tried for several months and didn't get pregnant then we would take it as our sign that we were done. While we want another kid, we aren't so desperate for another one that we are going to just keep trying and trying and trying. I am just getting older and if this is it, this is it. Of course, because we said that, we'll get pregnant on the first try, which is how it happened last time.) But one of my more selfish reasons that I'm not looking forward to being pregnant again is that pregnancy wasn't enjoyable the first time around... so I'm now preparing myself for another 9 months of no fun. And that is horrible to say, but true.
I've been told that women "glow" when they are pregnant... and I know a few of them who are glowing all the time. I wasn't that woman. I was the woman who felt sick and nauseated all the time. Not just the first 3 months... the entire 9 months. I had horrible food aversions, I couldn't even touch meat (or look at raw meat in the grocery store) let alone eat it. And I was getting "yelled" at by my OB/GYN for the first 6 months because I wasn't gaining weight because I was so sick. Now, I didn't have hyperemesis, thank God... I have some poor friends who went through that. I just felt sick all the time. And when you are a teacher and are "on" all day and are keeping the fact that you are pregnant quiet since it's still the first 3 months, it's tough to pretend like you feel great when you really want to just curl up and pass out. I can only imagine that it is even worse once you have a toddler running around the house also since I won't be able to just pass out on the couch when I come home from work like I did last time. So, needless to say, I'm not really looking forward to pregnancy.
I know that pregnancies can be very different... and God knows that I'm hoping that it will be better this time around. But I'm preparing for the worst, needless to say. So we'll see how it goes. My husband was highly disappointed that I wasn't one of those "glowing" women because he was waiting for months 3-6 of pregnancy where the hormones were supposed to be raging putting me in the mood all the time. Yeah... that never happened. So basically, neither of us is really looking forward to the process... it is just a means to an end. But every time we watch our daughter laugh, we are reminded why we would do it again. And thus, we will start trying again... who knows what will happen? That is in God's control. We just know that however it works out, it will be fine and we will be a happy family no matter what.
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