It's been a rough week here as I continue waiting for this little one to show up. A lot of disappointment in the fact that he's just not here yet. I've been dilated (to 4cm) and effaced (to at least 80%) for a week now and still nothing. I've been dilated and effaced for 3 weeks (to a lesser extent, of course) and have been having more and more contractions, but still nothing. At this point, I just want this kid out of me.
Everyone I see is in shock that the kid hasn't fallen out of me yet. Every nurse and OB continues to warn me that I won't have much time to get to the hospital because I'm so far along. And yet, this kid doesn't want to come out. I know that this probably means that the labor and delivery will be quick. But I am just so sick of being pregnant (and wondering if I'll even be able to get an epidural this time) that I want it over with now. And every time someone expresses their shock that I'm still here and not in labor it just rubs me the wrong way and I want to scream or cry or throw something because I want this pregnancy over with.
I definitely have hit rock bottom for me as of yesterday night/this morning. I'm now crying a ton. I hate the way I look... I'm getting more and more stretch marks, something I never got with my daughter. So I'm wondering if my body will return back to normal like I did with Sarah, or if this is it and my body is now just going to look older and more worn out, which is depressing to say the least. And then my temper is getting shorter and shorter with my daughter, even though this obviously isn't her fault. And I hate that I'm taking it out on her. So then I just try not to say anything and basically become a mute. So that's not any better. Needless to say, this is a time in my life that I hope to forget very quickly. And it's sad that I don't have positive memories from this pregnancy to one day tell my son (assuming he ever arrives). Instead all I can think to say is, why didn't you come sooner so that mommy could feel better? Or, I feel like a complete waste of space on earth right now. I'm meant to be a productive member of society and instead I sit here waiting and waiting and wasting so much time. How do people just sit around all day? I can't do it. I want to go back to work right now if this is the alternative. And then I remind myself that I have an entire semester off... I won't go back to work until January. And I wonder if I can make it through that very long stretch of time.
This has been such a long pregnancy. We started trying in August, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, tried again, and now here I am... a year later (which I know is really nothing compared to what many people go through). But for a couple that said we weren't going to try that hard to have another because we weren't going to "die" if we only had one kid, this is a really long time for me. I'm feeling very old. And mostly, I just miss feeling like myself. I feel like Mark and I had just finally gotten back to a good place for our marriage - spending more quality time together, enjoying each other's company more, etc. and that was all because of Sarah's schedule and independence. Now we're taking two steps back and increasing our work load exponentially (according to what everyone tells me) and I wonder if we'll be able to get back to that point in another 2 years. And then I think... wow... another 2 years to wait to maybe hit a good point in marriage again. What the hell are we doing?
I'm really hoping that I'm going to be able to appreciate this boy when he comes out. As I stated in an earlier post, I already have a lot of trepidation about having a boy. Now that he is taking so long to arrive and this pregnancy is so different from the previous one, I feel like that is tainting my opinion of him too. I have told a few people close to me about this and I think they all think I'm joking or that everything will change when he arrives. But I'm not. I really wonder if I'm going to love this boy the way I love my daughter. Because right now, I'm having a hard time thinking anything positive about him.
On that note I'm going to take a shower and wait some more. This is the excitement of my life.
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